Before we left for rehab that morning I made sure to stuff my pockets with my grandmothers Ambien. I didn’t know how severe the withdrawals would continue to get and I knew If I took Ambien and stayed awake I would hallucinate into some world that was far from the one I was enduring at the moment.
Turning into Cumberland Heights (rehab) we pulled down a long rolling driveway. On either side all you can see is fresh cut green grass backing into a gorgeous tree line. In front of you are the about 6 buildings, one main building and a few smaller cabins, nurses stations etc. Everything is white. Not hospital; white, but cozy white. Not scary, not overwhelming. Peaceful.
Once we got into the admin office, the checking in lasted much longer than my sister had anticipated. Hell, I was staying so it didn’t matter to me.
I was kind of sober so I do recall having that feeling of homesick mixed with I didn’t wanna spend the night somewhere where I knew no one. But in that feeling knowing this was my best and only option if I wanted to survive.
We decided to head to the cafeteria, by this time lunch was being served. I can’t remember the meal but I do remember thinking..I might like it here ;) I had hardly eaten in the last few months maybe year and the last meal I had was in jail the day before. While we were eating people started to smile at me and say Hi. Fear started to slowly drift away. I think this is when I started letting some light in.
After we got checked in Ang and I said our good byes and I went to the nurses station. Everyone was so kind and gentle. I was immediately put on withdrawal drugs for my opiate and cocaine addiction.
I was givin a bed in the medical ward. I roomed with a girl I will call Sara.
Sara was SO nice to me and chain smoked. I can’t remember why she was there.
She and I became fast friends, she showed me around the campus.
We would hang out in rocking chairs that were right outside the medical ward door. I quickly was starting to feel at home.
The withdrawals began that night, sweating, purpin, muscle spasms, no sleep….but i knew, I am safe, I am ok. The nurses helped so much.
By day 2 I was starting to feel “me” creep back in. I was in some pain and VERY lethargic and loopy, but I could feel her. The fire I used to know. She was there, somewhere, just still down deep.
The next few days are kind of a blur. What I do recall is that I craved crack more than anything and this SHOCKED me. Had my addiction not been mainly Lortab? Looking back it had not. For about 8 years Lortab was my number 1 until I met crack rock. As soon as I tasted it I fell in love. I think the devil himself makes that stuff. But maybe it was God who threw it in my path, cause I will tell ya what, I would not have stopped usin had it not been for the severe demise crack had on my body and soul. I was embarrassed to tell this male nurse about my cravings. We will call him Bobby. Bobby said, “of course you are craving crack it was your drug of choice…take a walk to the end of the driveway and back then tell me how you feel”. By the time I got back from that walk I was craving no more. That was another shot of SHOCK :) . A simple walk took my mind of it. mmmmm, what is going on I thought.
The next sort of Ahhhh HAAAAA moment I had was when I told Sara someone had given me 2 Lortab, yep, just cause you in rehab don’t mean people tryin to get sober…I wanted those Lortab, hell I wanted any pill anyone would give me still but for some reason after about 3 days of detox and finally waking up I started fighting that urge. The fighter in me appeared. I needed her back so bad, she had been sleepin with ole Essie somewhere or somethin. SO I say heller fighter, can we please throw these damn Lortab away So Sara and I flushed them down the toilet. Hellz I told everybody about that. I would’ve stole your last dollar to buy 2 Lortabs. I TAYLA LYNN flushed them!!!!
I do believe it was that same afternoon I walked over to the chapel.
It was mid July and the chapel felt cool inside. No one was there. I can still see the 2 light fixtures above swaying.
I got on my knees. I prayed for God to please come help me, remove the demons from me, to take away the cravings and the desire to still use. I begged and cried. It was gone. I promise you by the time I left that chapel that intense need for drugs was gone. I began feeling something in place of that need…..I began to feel HOPE.