Monthly Archives: January 2017

I can’t sleep. I thought she was dead. The politics make me crazy.

I can’t sleep. I thought she was dead. The politics make me crazy.

I can’t sleep. I thought she was dead. The politics make me crazy.

I wish I was smarter but that’s not something you can wish. It takes studying.

I wish I had more money, but that would take more work.

I wish I was more understood but that would take more understanding.

I co-sleep. My little one is 16 months and kicks or talks all night. I still wouldn’t trade it but I am chronically tired. It doesn’t matter. I awaken this morning to the book by my bed “When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron. I have read it and highlighted it to death over the last 13 years. It still calls me.

When I turn my “white noise” down a little lower my addict creeps to FB. I decide in my sleep I will let people (who?) know how I really feel about it all. Then I read. What I read may not even be true but it tells my ego-now you must be quiet.

I get up to drink the coffee. I need 42 coffees before the babes wake up. I drink. I read. I write. Am I lost? Am I centered? Will my friends at church not speak to me because I have supported the Women’s March. To my women have I supported them and myself enough. What do I really believe? Would it be different depending on who I am with. How do I sit alone as Tayla and make a choice for myself. Decide who I really am at the core and what I really believe.

We had a life group last night and my pastor (very cool guy, not old man hell and brimstone) asks us

“what gives your soul energy? How do you feed your soul? How do you “sabbath”

My answer comes quickly, I know this:

Hikes alone. A road trip alone singing as loud as I can to a brand new amazing record.

Movies alone. Therapy when it clicks. Laughing with my very closest girlfriends when we are just being us.

David (brother) called me to tell me they were rushing Granny to Vanderbilt. She was having an allergic reaction to some medicine and they were thinking it was Johnson’s disease. Maybe she would spend some time in the burn unit-this disease eats your skin cells. I thought when he called she was dead. I wasn’t ready. She is 83, she has not been well, I should be ready. I pushed that grief away like it was a hot stove. I repelled. I said NO I can not now, I’m not ready. I thought-I have things to say.

What would you say? I went and said them and it didn’t change the tide. She didn’t light up like they do in the movies. It mattered to me but didn’t move the world. But it shifted my world. When we do the next right thing we shift something in ourselves.

She is better and on the mend. *this is not Loretta. I feel irritated even having to say that. Like Granny is not as important to you as Memaw. Haven’t I created that beast though? Do I post pics of me and Granny? No. But then again Granny barely let you take her picture :)

I think maybe I am just writing to one person out there this morning. Someone who just wants to connect with someone elses story. Who has a mottled mind like me. Who wants to have more facts in their tool box but lives by heart instead.

I know you. I am you. Unload to me. Help me feel the normality of not being alone is this crazy mind too. Tell me that you too miss your granny even though you still won’t go see her enough. That you don’t know all these policies but you know what your heart tells you is right when it comes to politics, tell me that you wake up with nonsense in your head, a twisted toddler on your bed and still a hopeful bright, happy heart.

#itkeepsmesober #iknowyou

 

 

and then on day 3 we kept reading John

and then on day 3 we kept reading John
I am no theologian. So do not read me for the “correct” answers.
As a church we are reading a chapter of John a day. There are 21 chapters. So for 21 days. 1 chapter. It is day 3 and I am already more into my bible than I have been in years. YEARS. When I first got sober about 13 years ago I was a desperate as the dying could be. I was in a state of change. I was thirsty for that. I have chills to think I feel that again. Not because I have fear of the drink-I can never drink again-but because I want it so bad…I want it so bad….I already feel it, Feel His words talking to me, telling me things I did not know. HE IS DOING SOMETHING NEW. HE is whispering and I am walking.
The reason I picked up to write to you….
I thought that it was cool that this morning at 5:14am the wind was blowing so hard and at that moment I read in John 3:8 “you wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but cannot tell where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the spirit.”
I will tell you the truth-I NEVER knew what John 3:16 said until this MOMENT—-I mean by memory, I know they saying, I know the verse, I was always to scared to ask and too ignorant to look it up!!!!
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
3:19 Light has come into the world, but people loved the darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20: Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. BAM!!!!
LISTEN though listen!!!!…..
3:21 But whoever lives by the TRUTH comes into the light (YAY US!)
so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.
DUDE-when I am doing wrong or lets say….I don’t feel like I do “wrong” so much anymore as “maybe there is a better idea here, a better way or I shouldn’t get that or say that etc…..” When I have those thoughts I feel edgy and on fire-my stomach churns a little with grody im gonna be in trouble with GOD so like a child let me hide it from GOD…..Hide it from God? Mmmm Greer smart, He can’t see when you shut your heart and mind off for a few can He. DUMB. I can see that in my mind though. That is what I do.
Ooooooo John 3:30 He must become greater and I must become less. Yes Yes Yes
Oh man. Deep here and I am just typing away when y’all could pick up ye own bible but I didn’t so I don’t know if you will….
I listened to this:
John 3:33
Whoever has accepted it has certified that God is truthful.
John 3: 36
Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for Gods wrath remains on them.
It was hard to decide to type out 3:36 because my very best friend does not believe in Jesus and thinks the bible is a story book. There are times we joke and for me to state this felt like it was saying “You going to hell Shels. But!!!! This is my faith. I do believe this book. I do believe in Jesus. I do believe HE is the way. You know what else, I believe in Sheila and her process, I always will. She is my best friend, I am her best friend. We don’t run from each other because we have different beliefs…IN FACT IN FACT I believe it makes us love each other harder because we do accept each other so much. In every way.
Tell me about your faith?
Tell me about your friend?
Do you feel accepted?
I LOVE THIS RAINBOW and EVERYTHING that has come to represent :)